For the last 3 months, I’ve arrived home every second day to see my house voice mail light blinking “check me, check me, check me now dammit”. At first, I was almost giddy, who could it be leaving me a voice mail? I never get voice mail? Maybe a long lost friend, maybe I won something, maybe I could lower the interest rate on my credit card! But sadly, none of these were the case, it was….a collection agency.
Now, before any conclusions are reached, let me state point blank, this collection agency is not after me, nor would they ever be after me. I pay my gosh darn bills, early in fact! Nope, they’re looking for someone with the same last name and first initial to mine. Now let me preface by saying my telephone number is unlisted and always has been. How they got my home number is beyond me.
The voice mails were quite pleasant at first “Hello, my name is Karen, I’m looking for Tom Sapphire, if Tom lives at this number, please have him call me at 1-800-Hoe-Bagg, extension 666. If Tom doesn’t live at this number, but you know Tom, please call and let me know.” The first 10 times, I ignored the voice mails, meh, I’m not Tom, nor do I know Tom, what do I care. Then, Karen got angry. I wasn’t returning her calls, nor was the mystical Tom Sapphire. One tired Friday, after a long week at the salt mines, I called Karen. Her and I had a nice little chat about how no, I actually owned the telephone number (Yep, I pay the damn bills) and that my plumbing didn’t allow me to be Tom, but rather Tiggy. She insisted Tom MUST live at this number, he MUST be my husband. Nope, not that either Karen. Well then, he MUST be a relative. Nope Karen, sorry, don’t know anyone in my family tree named Tom. After wasting 45 minutes arguing with Karen, she agreed that yes, she must have the wrong telephone number and I indeed did not know Tom. I asked her how she came to acquire my number and she gave me a curt, thank you for your time, gotta go now.
The calls stopped for a while, until about two weeks ago, when guess who’s after Tom again? Yep, our friend Karen. Now, Karen didn’t leave any voice mails at first. Sneaky old Karen figured she’d catch Tom as he answered the telephone, my telephone. Sadly for Karen, Tom still doesn’t live at this number, he’s still not someone I know (I wonder if Tom’s cute?). When I arrived home this fine evening, the little voice mail light was blinking. Once again, I thought, ohhhh maybe they want to give me a trip to Disneyland for the introductory price of “YOUR SOUL”, so I eagerly entered my code and listened, heart a twitter.
“Hello, my name is Karen. I’m looking for my relative Tom..Tom Sapphire. It’s a family emergency, a matter of life and death. He must contact me immediately *Sob*. Please Tom, call me back. Or if you know Tom, please call me and tell me his number, it’s an emergency! My number is 1-800-Hoe-Bagg extension 666.”
I was floored! Beyond floored! Not to mention, greatly worried about Tom and his poor poor family! But wait a minute, hmmm Karen, that names familiar. Oh yes! Collection Wench! So I thought, I’ll give Karen a little call.
One ringie dingie…Two ringie dingie…Three ringie dingie…
“You have reached “Hoe Bagg Collection agency’, if you know the extension of the person you are trying reach enter it now”. 666!
Snap! Karen’s voice mail, she must be on the phone with the family about the urgent emergency.
“Hello Karen, this is TIGIST Sapphire, not TOM, TIGIST. I have a vagina, Tom probably has a penis. I remember we spoke not that long ago about our friend Tom. I also thought we agreed that Tom didn’t live at this number, and that I was in no way related, know of, or am scronking anyone by the name of Tom, Dick or Harry. Please cease from calling my number as it’s bordering on harassment, and not the good kind. Also, it’s pretty fricken shady to call and imply there’s a family emergency, out right lie as you so obviously have done. What if I didn’t hear you were looking for Tom? What if I had my own family emergency happening right now and what you said made me jump in my car, driving really fast to get to my family and I ended up in a ditch or hitting a moose? I’m pretty sure what you just did is illegal, but what do I know? Please do not call my number again, unless of course you have a trip to Disneyland or a way I can lower my credit card interest rate. If you do, please please call again and we can discuss my options. Thank you and have a pleasant tomorrow.”
Wonder if Karen will call back tomorrow. I kind of miss her already.
*** Names changed to protect Tom and Karen.