This is going to be a rant. If you’re not interested in a rant, back away quickly while you still can. So, for the past 5 years or so, I’ve exclusively purchased pants from a specific store. Why? Because they were high quality, they fit properly on my vertically challenged frame (I have no legs), the prices didn’t change too dramatically (I really wouldn’t care if they did), and I knew that I could always find the same styles that I liked. Around the same time I started purchasing exclusively from this store, they introduced a naming convention for their pants. Let’s pretend that they had 20 different styles, each had a specific name, so that it was always easier for you to know which style you liked. Now I preferred 4 styles, let’s call them the “Bubkiss”, the “Nada”, the “ToughLuck” and the “NoPantsforYou”.
Imagine my surprise when I walked into the store today and discovered not only has the naming convention for styles been completely removed, BUT they’ve completely revamped their styles! Not a big deal you might think, but apparently the clothing designers have decided that they only create pants for 6’5 fricken amazons now and every single pair of pants I tried on either looked like Mom Jeans (I had to pull them up to my boobs), or they were so long that even a good seamstress would have a hard time hemming them. The salesgirl kept bringing me style after style and nothing would work! My inside voice quickly turned into my outside voice screaming “bring me Bubkiss, bring me Nada, for the love of god, do you not have any ToughLuck or NoPantsforYou hiding in the back somewhere?!” The salesgirl just looked at me with the pitiful “I guess I get no commission” smile and informed me that maybe this was no longer the store for me as apparently none of the “2012 fashions” were appropriate for my tastes. I was floored. How could they do this to me? How could they rock my world so completely over pants? PANTS! Has the fashion world changed that dramatically? Have people suddenly grown in height, requiring fashion designers to add extra length to every pair of pants they make, let alone adding so much fabric to the waists?
After leaving the dressing room, I walked up to the counter and asked the manager how this travesty could possibly have occurred. She informed me that they had seen a marked drop in business since the Great Pant Change of 2011 (apparently it happened late last year). I asked if there was someone I could call, a letter to my Member of Parliament or even an e-mail to the Patron Saint of Clothing (Saint Paul the Hermit if anyone’s interested). I was informed that numerous complaints had been made, but the corporation was unmoved by the requests. In the end, I surrendered my preferred customer card, shrugged my shoulders and walked out of the store with my head held low in defeat.
Good-bye faithful friend “Bubkiss” I have worn you well for many a moon. You’ve sheltered me from the cold and ensured that all that needed to be protected were. Fair well “Nada”, you’ve cupped my derriere through many meetings and ensured that the frostbite did not grace my legs with it’s presence. Toodleoos “ToughLuck”, you were a dear friend to me through thick and thin. And of course, last but never least “NoPantsforYou” I will remember the good times, and not dwell on the fact we shall never see each other again.